My First Breakdown

 

When I am depressed, as I am now and have been for the best part of 6 weeks, my mind often turns to Year 8. I was 13 and had my first breakdown. Eight days into my second year of high school, something flicked a switch inside me and I just couldn’t get out of bed. I just couldn’t face that place again. I was off school for 18 months.

 It’s a time that is clouded in shame for me.

When I think about it now as a grown woman with children of her own I feel sad for the 13 year old girl who lay in bed being berated by family members for being so ‘bad’ and ‘disobedient.’

I was so depressed I literally had trouble speaking – something I’d forgotten about until it happened again a few weeks ago. I remember saying ‘no’ and ‘I can’t’ and wondering what the fuck was wrong with me because I had so many thoughts rushing around my mind but I could barely say a word.

I felt hated, I felt faulty.

I was punished extensively for missing school. I adored my newborn cousin so I was cut off from seeing him. I was cut off from seeing extended family. I was banned from watching tv. I was banned from dessert on the rare occasion we were actually having some. I was threatened to be sent away to an institution for bad girls like me. I made my first feeble attempt at suicide. I was told that I had made my aunt cry for the first time in her life.

I was told not to mention my shameful state to the interstate family when we visited. Similarly, I kept the secret from friends at church.

It seems bizarre to me now that I was able to function on Sundays and go act like everything was normal. But I was so ashamed of my inability to go to school that I did anything and everything I could to minimize the badness I was bringing to my family. The guilt and shame were paralyzing.

So I started to clean the house while the rest of my family were at work/school. I’d make dinner for the family. I’d also homeschool myself through correspondence but that only took up 45 minutes in the morning so the rest of the time I’d clean, cook, and then at 2:45pm I’d sit at the front of the house and wait.

My aunt used to drive past at 2:45pm to go pick up my cousin from preschool. She didn’t know I’d sit and wait to watch her drive past. For the 2 seconds I’d see that white station wagon drive past it felt like I wasn’t alone.

I have written about this time before, and I probably will again. I think one’s first breakdown is somewhat formative! Especially when it is met with punishment, isolation, shaming and lasts for over a year. Fuck.

I think I am exploring it again now because I am once again lost in a confusing darkness, but also because I think I am able to feel the sadness of that time now. I can look at the 13 year old girl and feel sad for her – whereas in the past I really only ever felt embarrassed and defensive.

Now as an adult its my job not only to parent my beautiful children, but to 're-parent' myself. I must meet my pain with understanding and compassion especially when no one else will. I talk about it partly to get this past into the sunshine - shame grows in the dark.

And I continue to take it one day at a time. I am not bad. I am not faulty. I am simply in pain. 

Borderlines: The Battle, The Brain and The Bullshit

What does it mean to have a Borderline Personality Disorder? Well, in short, you don’t know who you are, what you are feeling or what the fuck will happen next. Untreated BPD is like being strapped into a rollercoaster of confusing pain, damaging behaviors and intense but unstable relationships.

Yes, it’s quite the treat.

Moods come and go unpredictably, emotions are experienced stronger and longer, and there is a dizzying assortment of suicidal thoughts, crushing feelings of emptiness and an absence of true identity. All these features are mixed and matched in how they present but overall to be Borderline without treatment is to suffer.

 As far as mental illness goes, you won’t get a more maligned or fatal condition. What a combination - belittled, misunderstood and at significant risk of death.  And really the news doesn’t get much better when you look for treatment. Many therapists simply refuse to take Borderline patients.

Why this discrimination is allowed to exist in the medical community is beyond me but stigma is more powerful that scientific facts.

I am shocked by the bullshit we have to put up with in the treatment community and society at large. The internet is a never ending discovery of different ways to misrepresent, misunderstand and insult people with Borderline Personality Disorder.

Borderlines have up  to 10% increased rate of suicide. That’s how much fun it is to ride this train. Nearly 1 in 10 of us would literally prefer to be dead than breathing.

Yet thanks to ignorance’s inbred cousin stigma, accessing treatment is disturbingly difficult.

A significant component to this problem is a virtually worldwide refusal to diagnose BPD due to its maligned reputation. That’s right because of its image problem professionals don’t diagnose BPD.

In what other medical condition would ignorance override a patient being given a diagnosis of their condition? HIV doesn’t have sunshine and roses branding but that doesn’t stop doctors giving out the diagnosis – thank fuck.

Without the diagnosis how do people get treatment? How do people access information, support groups, specialists?

They don’t.

The mental health community is sitting back and allowing people to suffer and die from a treatable condition.

It’s revolting in this modern age of scientific advancement that BPD is still routinely and falsely associated with manipulative, selfish and deceitful behaviour. I recently heard a psychiatrist comment that if a woman has not cheated on her husband, she cannot be Borderline. What the fuck? I don't recall adultery mentioned in the DSM.

Having poor moral character has as much to do with BPD as passive aggression has to do with breast cancer. Yes you’ll find a Borderline who is a nasty, bitter situation and the odd breast cancer patient who is annoyingly passive aggressive but you’ll find character flaws in all everyone.  

These perceptions are based on smelly old stigma. It's not good enough.

Man kind can manage to get rocks from Mars but somehow we haven’t computed the basic fact that mental illness is not caused or correlated to poor character or personal failing.

Silly old facts tells us its genetics plus environment. That’s all we get in life to determine if we slide through life with barely a bruise or if we grapple throughout the years with an arse-tearingly painful mental anguish.

Oh and while we’re on science, for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Borderlines are given an amazing sensitivity for interpersonal dynamics. Once we get professional treatment, Borderlines have a unique capacity for reading social and emotional cues and developing the most loving, passionate relationships.

Borderlines are fucking hardcore. Simple being alive and being Borderline is an achievement in itself. We are at the frontlines of mental and emotional pain, yet we are very loving, affectionate people.

Borderlines who are going undiagnosed and uninformed deserve to know and understand their condition and most of all end the unnecessary suffering. 

When it comes to the official diagnostic checkpoints I personally pride myself on meeting all nine criteria. Yep, I have the platinum package of BPD. Only five is required to get the DSM stamp but there is a sense of satisfaction in hitting a home-run and finding a personality disorder that truly feels like home.

My family of origin was an impressive mix of emotional repression, social anxiety, repressed sexuality, Fundamentalist Christianity, physical abuse and neglect. Mix in a mother with narcissistic personality disorder, and I was always going to come out on the other side with scrambled eggs for psyche.

But they were my environmental factors. I wasn't born with a personality disorder. I was born with heightened sensory and emotional sensitivity.

I recognize in my daughter the markers.  She is extremely sensitive, extremely expressive, distressed easily and for longer than our other kids. She is an 'instant Borderline' - just add invalidation and... bam!

Thankfully she's in an environment that supports, protects and validates her feelings. We adore her unique amazing little self.

Modern mental health is failing a group of people who are vulnerable, in pain and needing help. The vast majority of the industry not only fail to provide treatment but they perpetuate baseless stereotypes and denigrate those suffering the disorder.

BPD IS A MEDICAL CONDITION REQUIRING PROFESSIONAL TREATMENT. 
GET THE FACTS OUT THERE AND STOP DISCRIMINATING AGAINST THE MOST PAINFUL AND POTENTIALLY FATAL CONDITION OF MODERN TIMES.

We need to see the end of ignorant bullshit.

Truth, Lies & Borderlines

The world is believing lies. Lies that there are good and bad people. There really are not.

Lies that there are good and bad emotions. Lies that a person's worth is dependant on their job, relationship, income, appearance.. take your pick, so many lies.

The truth? All human beings are doing their best at life. All human beings are unique. All human beings have pain.

Don't believe the lie that you could be "better." Life is an interaction between genetics and experience. Thats really it.

You do not have a stamp on you, good or bad. You are human.

You can believe lies or the truth. Stigma is lies wrapped in ignorance, double dipped in judgement.

A lot of us happen to have been born with high sensitivity. Combined with invalidation, this results in BPD.

But there is more to our extreme sensitivity than pain. We are more sensitive to everything in life. We live rich life experiencially. We have opportunities for insights and awareness that cannot be gained by an average sensitivity.

Being Borderline is painful, but through that pain we can learn more about ourselves. Learning is always winning. Borderlines are exquisitely vulnerable. Vulnerability is beautiful because it is the truth. Humanity exposed. Our needs are out on display. They are the same needs as all other people but we are more expressive, focused on relationships.

The secret is that there is strength in vulnerability. And amazing potential for rich communication. The truth is that we are human beings with needs and pain, and our vulnerability can enable other people to share their pain. Ironically we can be the safe place we need from others.

We are challenging for the world because we are expressing needs that the world is trying to pretend do not exist. The world is full of people sadly believing that idea that showing pain is weak.

Our pain is a valuable mirror for the less sensitive, less expressive people in our world. We can be empowered by owning the truth of the pain that we have survived. The lies that have been exposed.

We have the truth about our emotions. Emotions are not wrong.
Emotions do not require justification, ever.
All emotions are valid. All emotions are valuable.

We are empowered here at Borderline and Brilliant to share the important, life-enriching facts that our journey have brought us.

You only feel shame if you believe the lies. There is no shame without lies. Noone choses BPD. No human being seeks out pain.
We didn't seek out extradinary challenge in life but we are proud of lives.

We have zero shame about dealing with drug addiction, eating disorders, self mutiliation or chronic suicidiality. We have pride in being able to share these intensely difficult issues in a world than belittled, ignored and tried to shame us into hiding.

We are proud of what we have been through. We are grateful for the insights we have. We are happy to stand up and let the world throw mud, nothing the world can throw could be worse than believing the lie that we are not enough.

Princess Diana had Borderline Personality Disorder

I’ve been meaning to write this blog for a while, as there are so many sceptics regarding Diana’s BPD. Whenever someone raises doubt that Diana was in fact Borderline, I automatically assume that they know very little about Borderline Personality Disorder.

Born in the year of the Royal Wedding, I grew up loving Princess Diana. There isn’t a biography of hers that I haven’t read. Of course I pay particular attention to Her True Story, by Andrew Morton because we now know that she contributed directly to its contents, even down to its editing which she did by hand. It’s the closest we have to her autobiography.

Not being rude or meaning to sound arrogant, but is seems clear to me that anyone who know basic facts about Diana’s life, and basic diagnostic criteria for BPD would come to the same conclusion I have - slam dunk diagnosis. Diana was Borderline.

But before we even look at the evidence, first we must wipe the slate clean of the idea that attributing this personality disorder to Princess Diana is in any way derogatory. Stigma 101 associates shame with all types of mental illness and BPD is one of the most maligned conditions in the field of mental health so it’s important to spell this out.

Borderline Personality Disorder is a condition produced by a combination of environmental factors and genetic predisposition.  It has no more to do with a person’s character than a broken leg has to do with that person’s character.

Proposing that Diana had BPD and investigating the evidence to support that claim is important. She was a very well known, much loved figure and, like all human beings, her public life can be better understood when we understand more about her private life.

Some will (I want to say ignorantly, but I’ll settle for falsely) argue that it is an insult to her memory to associate her with any mental condition, let alone BPD. I disagree. The truth is always worth hearing. And in this case, Diana is as inspirational in death as she was in life, being who she was.

Diana was deeply invested in helping those in society she saw as being the most maligned, and most needing care. As she said herself, “Anywhere I see suffering, that is where I want to be, doing what I can.”

During her life Diana was open about her pain. She spoke about her bulimia, her depressions, her self-mutilation, her suicide attempts, and her chronic feelings of emptiness and loneliness.

“When no one listens to you, or you feel no one’s listening to you, all sorts of things start to happen,” she said.

“You have so much pain inside yourself that you try and hurt yourself on the outside because you want help, but it’s the wrong help you’re asking for … I didn’t like myself; I was ashamed because I couldn’t cope with the pressures.”

She talked about what she looked for in a romantic partner, “I just want someone to be there for me, to make me feel safe and secure.”

She was known to have intense interpersonal relationships with individuals, and then one day without notice, cut them off. She was known to have intense mood swings, and is quoted as joking about them to her private secretary, “Stand by for a mood swing, boys!”

She was known, especially early in the marriage, to throw huge (sometimes) violent tantrums, or to scream and cry hysterically when arguing. By her own account she cut herself and at least in one instance threw herself down a flight of stairs in response to Prince Charles leaving Balmoral.

There are countless examples of her problems with relationships, behaviours that were harmful to her and her intense, almost unbearable suffering. 

Diana was open about her extremely low self-esteem. When speaking about the attention she received during Royal Tours in the earlier years of her marriage. Speaking of herself in the third person she remarked, “Little did [the public] realise that the individual was crucifying herself inside because she didn't think she was good enough."

I draw attention to Diana’s BPD because she is a fantastic example of how brilliant a Borderline can be. By most accounts, she single handedly changed the world’s understanding and attitude towards AIDS, bulimia and land mines.

Yet sadly she did not live in a time that could offer her BPD the recognition, understanding and treatment she needed and deserved. Diana did not have to suffer the way she did in her life – none of us do.

Why Borderline and Brilliant??

Firstly, why the fuck shouldn't the page be named Borderline and Brilliant? Nothing about having BPD is shameful, unintelligent or any other derogatory term ignorant people may try to link it to.

Secondly, because they are two foundations of my identity. BPD is a huge part of who I am at my core. It’s driven what I’ve experienced and overcome. I am proud of my BPD for the same reason we have Gay Pride and affirmative action for minorities. Borderlines have been marginalized by professionals, misrepresentations and disgusting, sticky stigma. I stand proud and say I am Borderline.
 

 

I come from a different perspective to many in the BPD community in that I don’t see my BPD as something I need recovery from. I have learnt skills to manage my reactions, I continue to learn and understand the important of validating emotions and personally I am comfortable with the label.

Yes the DSM is largely behavioural descriptors and a lot of these destructive behaviours and patterns can be very successfully treated but BPD by definition is a lifelong condition. When we know better we do better but the foundations of BPD in me are permanent. Highly sensitive emotional temperament. The journey I have been on through each round of addiction/obsession is not something I want flushed away as over or ‘fixed.’

I am a product of my experiences and my lifelong struggle to learn, change, and accept. My emotions don’t have to be my enemy, now that can guide me intuitively as emotions as designed to do.

I embraced BPD with such relief that I was not bad; there is a name for this uniquely painful and misunderstood journey I’ve been on.

I’m not letting that go; the journey doesn’t end for me. It’s a journey of knowing myself more, now out of enjoyment and curiosity rather than a desperate attempt at survival.

I am proud of what I have survived. I am proud to have Borderline Personality Disorder. It’s the most complex condition to treat apparently, but with a compassion guided set of skills, it’s possible to build on each success we’ve needed to get through to survive BPD.

As for Brilliant, well that’s permanent too. Originally I added Brilliant because I am  very intelligent person and I wanted to say I am clever and I have skills and I'm Borderline.

But thinking about it more, I’m not brilliant because I have more skills. I’m not brilliant because I have BPD. I have always been brilliant. There is a light that shines in all of us. A unique light that I believe we give to the world by being ourselves.

Borderline and Thriving was the original page name but I felt uncomfortable because I have not always been thriving and I do not want to invalidate or undermine the Borderlines in their own personal war for survival. I will not risk a misconstrued idea that I am better than Borderlines who are in their darkest days. Survival is the ultimate win.

We all have something special and unique inside of us. Every single child is born precious and deserving love and acceptance. It’s especially important to be reminded of this truth for Borderline’s because there is so much judgment and ignorance around people who have BPD.

My worth has always been that of every other human being – my journey through BPD helped me peel back the shame that hid my light from the world. Well I hide no more!

We don’t need to hide. Borderlines didn’t ask for a genetically based heightened limbic system. WE didn’t ask for pain to last longer. Borderlines didn’t ask to be repeatedly invalidated. Borderlines didn’t ask to be the most maligned disorder in modern medicine.

 

I don’t need you to believe my pain is real anymore, because I know it is. I validate myself. Not perfectly, but consistently enough to not need constant external affirmations.

If an undereducated person tries to denigrate me or any other Borderline, the truth is that is reveals nothing about us and everything about them. They are trying belittling to try to sell the idea that they are superior. Utter bullshit. I hope those people eventually come to see the truth – we are all doing the best we can. We are all different but human beings are all intrinsically valuable.

I did not enjoy the pain, confusion and inferiority I experienced in the darker days of my experience. And there were a lot of bleak nights that seemed to have no dawn... But I accept them as part of my valuable history. And am grateful for what I have learnt and continue to learn.

I am the proud mother of four beautiful children. A drug addict. An amazing party planner. A bulimic. I’m in an amazingly beautiful, functional loving relationship. I have survived an addiction to suicidally. There is no shame in my history or the ways and means I kept myself alive, or that I still have to learn and relearn acceptance and forgiveness and to ask for help.

 

I don’t say recovering drug addict or bulimic because I don’t need to distance myself for those behaviours any more than my amazing party planning. I have done my best. I did what worked until I found a better way to do it, and finally the security I developed by being about to trust myself has allowed me to breathe. I can love and be loved.

Fucking win.

Oh and the lying thing… anyone still on the fence about BPD and lying, keep following along our page. Fundamental, almost compulsive, honesty is the way I give myself to the world. I let my light shine by being honest about my life and focused on the truth.

And the truth is that I am Borderline and Brilliant.

 

 

Oh and how lovely was the fairy garden party I conceptualized, planned and designed meticulously!!

 

Identifying with Darth Vader

One of the key characteristics of Borderline Personality Disorder is problems with identity. The DSM describes it as ' identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self. '

I describe this problem with identity as constantly looking outside of myself to determine who I am. If I am doing a lot of drugs, I'm an addict. If I have kids, I am a mother. For many those are simple labels describing our activities, for me they form the beginning and the end of how I see myself.

Inside there has long been a huge hole, waiting to be filled by an addiction, a man, a label; something to tell me who I am in the world.

So when I came across the Borderline label, and it fit like a glove (9 out of 9 diagnostic criteria), having Borderline Personality Disorder became my new identity. There were many benefits to this; I was not alone, my experiences were relatable, I could access a specific treatment for  my condition.

But the downside is the associations that Borderline Personality Disorder carries with it. Manipulative. Evil. Broken.

The Wikipedia page on BPD includes speculation that Darth Vader meets 6 of the 9 criteria for Borderline, only requiring 5 for diagnosis. I'm sure Darth Vader had some abandonment issues, and I don't mean to invalidate his experiences but can we get a posterchild for BPD that is human??

There is a pressing need for us to redefine BPD, and not just because the label incorrectly implies that we lie on the edge between psychosis and neurosis. BPD is misunderstood at the very origins of how our society views pain.

The term 'attention seeking' is viewed with such distain that we seem to have forgetten that we all need attention. If I have fallen and broken my leg, I will need to yell, scream, wave a flag to get some attention. We need attention to get help.

Our society is so fearful and/or ignorant when it comes to mental and emotional pain that we have demeaned the very concept of someone needing attention when they are hurting. 'Oh, he's just doing it for attention.' Then give him some fucking attention!

If our pain we not so invalidated again and again we would not need so much attention but until that happens, yes I will scream from the rooftops when I am not coping because that is how I get help, that is how I stay alive.

I will explore this in the future but for now I leave you with an example of what I consider a Brilliant Borderline. Someone I am happy to align myself with. Someone who suffered and was honest about her suffering, which I consider inspirational; Princess Diana.

Princess Diana reminds me that it is possible to be Brilliant and Borderline. They are not mutually  exclusive concepts, yet so often it feels they are.

Today my success is recognizing that having Borderline Personality Disorder does not limit me, only I do that.

Peace.